Wednesday, June 11, 2008

39 and...hoping

"It's never too late to become the person you might have been."

Thirty-nine years ago today (June 11, 1969) at 11:55 p.m., I arrived at North Memorial Hospital in Las Vegas, Nevada.

I can't believe I'm this old, and parts of me feel a lot older. LOL! But, I'm 39 and... hoping.

You read that correctly, H-O-P-I-N-G. I still have hope. I don't want to be 39 and HOLDING, that implies desperation, and I may have felt that way a few times today, I realize that's not the energy I want to put out into the world and have come back to me.

I Hope for the next year to come, that I will live to see the BIG 4-0.
I Hope that I will be working from home as a true, honest to God, income producing freelance writer and copywriter full time.
I Hope that I will be teaching and holding seminars, and workshops and sharing my love and passion of the written word to those who may be a little scared to make that leap.
I Hope QH and I can retire.
I Hope my son is successful in advancing in his career in the Navy.
I Hope to accomplish a few more goals on my list, both creatively, professionally, personally and financially.
I Hope that all of my family members and friends are still healthy and happy in their lives and if they aren't happy, I hope they find that path yesterday.
I Hope that we will be a better world, that people will treat each other with kindness.
I Hope...

As far as birthdays go, I had a rough start to my day. Thunderstorms rocked through the area all day. Lightning, thunder, dark clouds, torrential rain, and high winds are not weather that seems to induce any kind of positive reflection. I found myself wanting to go back to bed (which I did), and hide under the covers for a bit. But, I couldn't stay in bed all day, I have a lot of work to do.

I am up to my eyelashes in work to get my house, the garage and the yard in shape for this weekend. I'm throwing a party for my son before he leaves for boot camp on June 19th. I'm hoping all the bad weather is done now and that it will be sunny to partly cloudy on Saturday. Please pray. Thank you.

Today was also my babysitting day, and my nephew, Cannon, who is 2 years old, was over at my house. Usually he is pretty good, but today he was in all of his 2 year old glory. He might have picked up my stressed out vibe and decided to capitalize on it. Who knows.

He wanted me to hold him, then he was getting into the cupboards, then he was following me into the bathroom, then he was trying to sweep and almost breaking everything around him, so I gave him a "rag" and he started "cleaning" stuff. That seemed to work until lunch when I made him spaghetti and he ended up with more on his head and clothes than in his mouth. Bath time!!

I had to take him to my Mom's house because I had today off from work (thank you, thank you, thank you), and I lost 2 hours running from my house to her house, stopping by Walmart really quick and then getting back to the house to try and finish up what I was working on. Since Mom and I work at the same place, we usually play "Pass the baby" at work and Cannon goes home with her.

When I finally arrived back home, I was washing the dishes, and when the water started to drain out, I heard this louder than usual gushing sound coming from under the sink. The pipe had unscrewed itself from under the drain and the water was pouring out into a bucket underneath. The water collected mostly in the bucket, but some of it ended up on my freshly mopped floor. GRRRR!!!

Oh, and it was about 5:15 pm and I was expected to go over to my MIL's house for taco dinner for my 5:30 pm. Great.

How's that song go? "If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all?"

I wanted to feel sorry for myself.

I really did.

I did have a mental moment when I just cried because it seemed all I was doing was spinning my wheels.

Earlier today, my brother called to wish me a Happy Birthday, and I felt really awful when I was whining to him on the phone. I almost broke down because he and his lovely wife, Lisa, live in Oklahoma, and they aren't able to visit before Alex leaves. I tried not to let my voice shake too much, because he had also called with good news. He has been working his butt off for the last few months to get into school to become a respiratory therapist and he MADE IT!! I am so proud of him, and I realized just how much I really miss my brother. I put the phone down and let the tears go. Enough is enough.

In the end, I can't really feel sorry for myself.

All the things that happened today were "little things". Nothing more than annoyances. Nothing about them was life threatening (ok, the weather had the potential to be dangerous).

I was watching Oprah last night(it was a repeat) and they had Randy Pausch, the author of "The Last Lecture". Randy has a great career, has a beautiful wife and 3 beautiful children under the age of 5 and he's dying of pancreatic cancer. He wrote the "Last Lecture" as part of a class he teaches at Carnegie Mellon University. The lecture is based on the hypothetical situation that if you know you are going to die, what wisdom would you impart to your students or the world at large. Only in his case, it's reality.

One of the most profound things he said was, "You have a choice to be a Tigger or an Eeyore. It's up to you how you decide, how you choose to go through life." (I'm paraphrasing, if you want to check out the whole lecture, I believe it's on the website.

After watching that, and listening to what he said, I realized I have nothing to bitch about. This last few weeks has brought lots of bad news about my family and friends.

Firs, my uncle Jim, who lives in North Dakota, suffered a heart attack a few days ago, and had to have surgery. I have him and his family in my prayers. I was told he is home tonight.

I also have a dear friend who is battling Hodgkins Disease. She went today to have surgery to prep her for chemo. You know her, she's been a frequent visitor here. She is Sandy Lender, author of the Choices Meant for Gods trilogy. The second installment is on its way to be printed at the publisher, and she gets the news that she has this lymphoma in her lungs. No, she doesn't smoke, she eats as healthy as she can, and she is optimistic that she will be "over this in a couple of months." This was quite a shock, since she is a year YOUNGER than me. Talk about a wake up call.

So, as I sit here in the dark, almost 2 hours into being 39 years old, I have to say I am very truly blessed. I can't complain but I do, I'm human and I have my tantrums. I have my "the world should revolve around me moments," but I KNOW, there are people close to me, and some I don't know, who are going through a hell of a lot more than I am. Shut up and be thankful. Count your blessings and figure out what you're going to accomplish before your next birthday, you whiny baby!!

The quote at the top is a new one. I have it taped to my computer monitor where I can glance up and read it when I feel like giving up. I got it from one of my writing groups in Yahoo, called the Creative Mindset. One of the members quoted it during a teleseminar.

I love it. It will set the pace for me in the next 12 months.

In the meantime, for those who wished me a Happy Birthday and I was less than chipper, my sincerest apologies. I was not trying to be ungrateful. I truly appreciate those who remembered, even though I wanted to forget.

I would also like to thank my mother. She's always told me the story about the day I was born, police escort and all, every year on my birthday. She called me tonight to tell me she was having labor pains! LOL! I told her she should call her doctor right away. There might be a problem there!

I realized I'm thankful she is still here to call me and tell me that story, and that she still remembers it. Most people I know have lost their parents, or if they are still living, their memories or their health is fading. Both my folks are alive and kicking, and while they may drive me nuts sometimes, I'm still grateful I have them both.

Now, where's that cake???


Sandy said...

Happy 39th Birthday! I hope tomorrow brings you blesings and may your fondest dreams come true this year and through out your life. BTW 39 is a good age to be so much so I have been 39 for about 16 years.

Please give Sandy Lender my best wishes for improved health.


Laura M. Crawford said...

Thanks, Sandy!

I'm going to call Sandy L. and see how she's doing. She had surgery yesterday. I see that she blogged on the Dragon Wins blog and on her Sandy Lender blog, so she must be feeling ok. But I want to call and see how she is anyway.

Have a great day!

Oh, and the sun is shining, it's 70 degrees and I have to work today!! Figures. :)

Laura :)

Sandy Lender said...

Hello to all.
Laura, Baby, I tell ya what, everyone's allowed to have "pity-party" moments. Criminy. What I think is excellent is that you recovered nicely... :) SO! Happy Birthday! I didn't know you were a Gemini, too. Why didn't I know that? And I'm not sure why you think 39 is old...

I'm happily devouring Percocet pills every four or five hours and working away at the magazine. I had to take a break, though, because my mind was doing mush-like things that made all the words on the screen look the same. Not so good for an editor, eh?

Yes, I blogged. There's a great conversation going now at The Dragon about pen names thanks to the fellow using "Bagheera" as his pseudonym and, of course, Nigel had to mock me because Percocet and anesthesia are fun things for fantasy authors to wean off of. Joy.

Thank you to Sandy for the good wishes! Everything's going to work out just fine. I just have crappy stuff to get through for a little while. Rar.

Good luck to Uncle Jim. Dude. No more salt...

Sandy L.
"Some days, I just want the dragon to win."

Laura M. Crawford said...

Sandy!! Hey pumpkin!

Yes, no more salt, or Winston cigs, or beer, or eating at 11pm at night, or sitting at the desk on the computer all day and not going out for a walk or something.

I love him dearly. He's my godfather, and he stood up with me when I was confirmed. He bought me a hardcover Webster's Dictionary and a Thesarus that I still treasure. He and I love reading Stephen King, and he knows I'm a writer (or at least I hope he's knows I'm a writer). Anyway, he's had a lot of crap going on, and he also has a weak heart from having rheumatic fever when he was younger.

I kind of saw this coming, but it was still a shock. I'm praying for both of you to come through this stuff and be healthy and happy. I know, sometimes I can be such a sap!! :)

As for the Perkies, those are excellent and while the pain may not completely disappear, you get to the point you just don't give a shit anymore. My doctor gave me Vicodin for my knee pain, and I've only had to use about 2 of them. The Naproxen (basically amped up Advil), I also was prescribed usually does the trick, though.

I hope you feel much better soon, honey. :)

Laura ;)

sheryll said...

Hi Laura, I did remember your birthday, but didn't get you anything, except a card, and I will give you that when I see you on saturday,so Happy belated birthday, so you will share a birthday with my grandson,. so cool, that way I will never forget yours or his. I know about the bad day's, and the good day's and all the whinning too. Just a few weeks ago I thought I wanted to go home go to sleep and pray that i could go back in time,at least 24 hours to see if i could change the bad things that happened that day, but of course it didn't work, ha ha ah.. we all have to take the good with the bad, and use it all to learn from and grow. and it is ok to whine a little bit, once in a while,I got this little story from a friend just the other day, her daughter was just having a bad day, her boyfriend broke up with her, she failed her final test in history, and she had a flat tire on the way home and it was pouring rain and storming, she was all alone, but she got out and changed her tire, and got home, and she told her mom about the day, and her mom said, would you like a snack, she said yes mom I alway's love your cakes, she said would you like some oil, and she said no, she said would you like some raw eggs, she said no yukkie, mom ish, would you like some flour, she said no no no.. well it sounds funny but when them things are all by them selves they are just no good and usuless. but put them all together, they make a perfect yummy sweet cake, so put all your good things together and enjoy lifes cakes, and smell the flowers nad stop the whinning.. love ya, take care, see ya saturday.....j Sheryll