Friday, October 30, 2009

Walking the Talk: Challenging Days for Miss Positive Princess

I'm one of those "glass-is-half-full" kind of people.

You all know that. I look for the silver lining in the storm clouds. When I dream of tornadoes, I know a major change in my life is coming. If I'm afraid when I see them, I know the change will painful. If I'm filled with a sense of awe and wonderment, then I know things will change, but it will bring the sunshine behind it. (I look for the sunshine. If it's not there, only darkness, it's not a good sign).

I also have money dreams. Money in suitcases, lots of it. Neatly wrapped in silver money clips. In a rundown, dilapitated building, with a lot of paper and trash all around. Usually, my Dad is there, laughing and saying, "I KNEW you would find it. Dang, Sis! You found it!" and I wake up before I know how much is in the suitcases. (Only once did I get a whisper of an amount--$13 million).

Always looking for the good. The positive. I could never understand why people commit suicide. Life may get bad, but it always gets better. Always. Right?

This year has been challenging.

One thing after another, after another and finally, after another. It started in January with George passing away from a heart attack. Then I lost my job in June. Then financial stuff happening and happening again in July. Then in August, my aunt Colleen passed away suddenly with a heart attack. Then the last couple of months with the recurring financial stuff and me misplacing the receipts. Then things kept feeding upon each other. One crazy mixed up thing after another. Nothing but doors slamming. Nothing but tension and stress and crying and strife. It came to a head.

Miss Positive Princess was losing it. I got a call from my son that sent me into a crying mode for two days. He was coming home for Thanksgiving from the Navy. A happy thing.

And possibly for good in a couple of months after that. Budget cuts were ushering him faster into the Reserves. He would be home, but with this economy, and everything else, I was worried. I just lost it. I cried for two days.

Then this week, things went from bad to worse. The weather was not cooperating either. It was cold and dark and rainy and windy. Depressing is a nice way to describe it. It doesn't do well for your mood when the weather is that way.

It was so bad, I passed by a cemetary and thought, "They're lucky. It's over for them." I had this thought, just for a second. But it scared me and jolted me to realize, I needed to go home. I felt like crap. I called my doctor.
As you know, I have been trying to get my writing career going since I was laid off, trying to find a job, and I've been doing the "shotgun" approach to marketing: throw as much up there as you can and sell, sell, sell.

My results: I'm not selling anything. I'm too desperate and people can smell it as sure as they can smell a skunk. Not appealing at all. Even if I was Frank Kern, I couldn't sell a glass of water to someone in the desert.

I've been up late, really late, like 4:00 in the morning lately. Writing, typing, searching. I didn't have a lot of sleep the night before, the night before that, or the night before that.

I have become nearly obsessed with money: hanging onto money, finding ways to make more money, selling stuff to get more money, money, money, money. Panic, panic, panic. Well, no wonder I can't get any money in my life, I'm a huge, negative turn-off!
Lack, desperation, stress, and me with my fist closed not allowing me to receive anything or giving anything to anyone else. It's mine, mine, mine, like Daffy Duck in the oyster clinging to the giant pearl.

And then, there's the clutter. I went into this mode of, "put it away, I'll deal with it later." I have stuff stacked and stored and I'm sorting through it, but I am not finding what I need. I misplaced important paperwork, and I can't find it.
I think God is teaching me a lesson, and it hurts. I've turned things upside down, inside out. I still have a lot more to go through, but one thing I have learned, I have a problem with hanging onto stuff. The stuff I don't need or use, I hang on for 20 years. Everything else, put it in a pile or a bag and go through it later. No more. I'm purging this week.

What's the point of this story? Why am I telling you all this? Do I want you to feel sorry for me and send me money? (At this point, I won't turn you down!) Or manipulate you into buying my stuff? (If I was Frank Kern, we wouldn't even have this post, because you would have already bought it!).

I'm telling you because I have been in the dark place. I had the thought about "dead people are lucky" and I decided that I needed to go home. I came home, took a long, hot shower and went to bed.

At 7:00 pm.

And slept for 15 hours.

QH checked on me a few times to make sure I was still breathing. I was.
I got up this morning and I felt a bit groggy, but I took a shower, got dressed up, put on eye makeup and went job hunting. I had planned to do that. It felt good to do something proactive.

As I drove around, I listened to a CD "Money and the Law of Attraction" by Jerry & Esther Hicks and Abraham. I felt things lighten and then I saw the most magnificent site. Two trumpeter swans swimming in a pond. The picture you see above. I felt better. I felt like things were going to be ok. I went home. Hopeful. Grateful. Lighter.

I've been praying to St. Jude. For those who don't know who St. Jude is, you may be familiar with St. Jude's Children's Hospital. It was started by Danny Thomas as a promise he fulfilled to St. Jude, the Patron Saint of Hopeless Cases or Hopeless Causes. There is a prayer those in the Catholic faith pray when things look lost with no hope.

I was there. I've been saying it for a few days. I have a promise to fulfill for St. Jude. I won't tell you what it is, it's personal. I will publish it when the time is right. And I will let you know where you can find it.

And I don't know whether it was the sleep, or the CD, or St. Jude, or the swans, or a combination, but I felt better today than I have felt in months.

Not to say, everything is coming up roses. The problems are still there, and they still have to be dealt with, but I know we can deal with them. We have a Force Greater Than Ourselves on our side. A Creator, who formed all we see, feel, hear, taste and smell.

Everything will work out. Not the way I would like, or want, but the way it was meant to work out. And in His Time, not mine. But that doesn't mean I sit down and give up. I still have a job to do. I still have articles and speeches and teleseminars and classes to write, speak, give and teach. And that suitcase of money still has to make an appearance. After the "good tornado" passes, and the sunshine, of course. :)

But I can't control everything. And I can't push people to buy, no matter how much I need the money. So, it's back to the marketing board. I still have a lot to learn and that's a good thing. I have to clear the path for my prosperity, literally. Then it will appear. And let go the outcome. It's not in my hands. It's in His Hands.

In the meantime, look for the swans. And get a good night's sleep.


Dorothy Thompson said...

Oh Laura, I just want to give you a big hug. We've all been there at some point and we'll all be there again...that's the horrible part of life. I was walking upstairs the other day and my daughter said, "You know, you've been through so much (and she went on to name the stuff like mother dying when I was 19, grandmother two months later, marriage from well you know). I really feel bad about that." And instead of feeling sorry for myself and saying thank you, I know, I appreciate it, I love you, I said, "But look at what I have...I have you kids (old kids but kids nevertheless), a wonderful business and this beautiful house." I'm sure she'll remember me saying that. When we're all dead and gone, it's the memories that linger. It's the memory of a mother who despite everything, she finally made it. She finally found happiness. What she did was put aside every single thing in her life and started concentrating on her and what made her happy. It's not all peaches and roses and all that but it's the point where I'm okay. For now. I know it'll change at any minute so what I've got to do is appreciate how far I have come and appreciate the few hours I have left on this earth with my children, but here's something to think about. When you're gone, what will you leave behind as a legacy? There is a way have to find it. The road to finding it will make you who you want to become and who you are deep inside. That person wants to come out. Those swans were your first clue. Now, find the second. Death we can't help but life we can. Get in the driver's seat and not the back seat and you'll see what I mean. Love and hugs!!!!!!

Storyheart said...

THis year has not been one of the better ones for many people but you seem to have had more than your fair share ((HUGS))
I can relate to some of what you say, it's been a year of a constant in and outs of hospital for myself and my family. So much so we just went over the co-pay limit about 3 weeks ago. Lucky the new year has now started.
Money I can relate to, been fighting for stuff inclusding keeping our hosue for 18minths . Let's just say when I retire I no longer have the pension I once had.
However we have to keep going, and it's having friends, as the famous poem states. Freidns without faces... our online budies that help keep us going.

Laura M. Crawford said...

Thanks, Dorothy and Storyheart. I know I have a lot of things to be grateful for, and I truly am. I do have my health, and I still have all the possibilities for jobs and happiness and everything else out there. I haven't been that down for so long it shocked me and there are those "friends" who think I'm too Pollyanna when things go South. I just wanted to share this story so you and someone else would know, I don't walk around singing "A Spoonful of Sugar" from Mary Poppins. I do hurt, I do have my bad days, and I do have my ways of getting better.

I think everyone has been through so much this year. Too much. And once I get beyond this, I will glance back and be thankful for the test. You know what that old saying is, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."

We're all bulletproof by now, aren't we? And thanks for being my friends. :)

Laura ;)