Denial: This is much harder than I thought

It's been a week since he left. The picture above is the cake I ordered for his going away party which was June 14, 2008. The picture doesn't do it justice. It was a magnificent piece of work. I was grateful it turned out so well. I cried in the bakery department of Cub Foods, the day of his party because it was now real. Then I went back to my favorite coping mechanism.

Denial.

Yes, I've been playing that game this week.

My one and only child, my son, left home a week ago for boot camp. As I've mentioned previously, my son enlisted in the Navy. He left on June 19, 2008, for boot camp. I took two days off to "mourn" his departure.

I didn't.

I just repressed it.

Enter a distraction to keep me occupied this weekend. We went to the "Back to the 50's" Car Show at the State Fairgrounds in St. Paul. That repressed it even more for me. I thought, "Hey, I'm doing pretty good!" Until...

The package arrived yesterday afternoon. I thought it was for QH, but it wasn't. I recognized the handwriting on the box immediately. It was Alex's handwriting. Oh, Joy! Some word, finally, of my son! I opened it as fast as I could. Here were the contents:

1 pair of white tennis shoes,

1 pair of blue jeans,

1 under shirt,

1 pair of boxers,

1 pair of socks,

1 Minnesota Driver's License, stuffed into one of the tennis shoes,

1 ballpoint ink pen from the Marriott,

Several scraps of paper, stuffed into the other shoe,

1 airline ticket stub from American Airlines, and finally,

1 black T-shirt that reads, "Just Do It" on the front in white letters.

I laughed because I had just finished his laundry! I then pictured my son, standing in his military issue skivvies putting his clothes in the box thinking, "Mom's really going to love getting this!"

It took me a while, but I finally realized, they were sending the last remants of my son as a civilian. This part of his life is over, for now, and a new one is beginning. It's symbolic and painful at the same time. We go through the usual milestones in life, but this is a new one for me, sending your son off to become a sailor, a military man.

I know that the young man who left wearing the clothes in that box, will not be the same young man when he returns home. It breaks my heart, it really does.

But I also realized, I won't be the same person either. I hope to be a better person when my son returns.

Everything is different now. It was reality hitting me in the face. And that's when the meltdown began.

I'm not sure who I was kidding.

I guess I thought if I was super strong and didn't show it on the outside that this is what was going on in the inside, then I could sail through the remaining 9 weeks before he comes home.

Nope.

So, here I am trying to be brave. Trying to keep my emotions in check and trying to get my own stuff together. I have to cry, I have to let it out, and I have to let him go to become the man he is to be, no matter how painful it is.

We raise our children to become their own people, to live their own lives, and to be self-sufficient. But we have to allow ourselves to grieve for that chapter that closes in our lives, and embrace and celebrate the new chapter opening.

He called and left a message on my answering machine that he made it to boot camp okay, and he would call in 2 weeks. One week to go. I now understand the meaning of the AA slogan: Take it one day at a time.

I will take it one day at a time.

I will write to my son and as soon as I have an update or an address, and I will update all of you. I will pray he stays safe.

I will pray he excels (as I know he will) and makes it through boot camp and finds the strength he never knew he had within himself.

I pray that for me and QH, too.

Now I have to wipe the tears away and get on with my day. I have a lot to do before my son comes home.

I hope he's as proud of me as I am of him.

I surrender!

Ok, I admit it, I am mortal. I don't possess any supernatural powers, I cannot leap tall buildings in a single bound (I can't even hop from a boat to a dock without getting wet, sheesh!), ...and I cannot control the Universe. There, I feel much better now. I give up, and I am not going to keep trying anymore! I'm getting out of my own way. I submit. Tap, tap, tap!

What has brought me to this "lightbulb moment", you ask? Well, tomorrow my son, my only child, will be graduating from high school. There has been a large part of me that has been in denial of this since, oh, the first day of school this fall that this was indeed his Senior year. This was it. In true dysfunctional fashion, I have been in total denial that this was coming about, that it would be here so quickly, that time was NOT on my side, and God, the Universe, the Holy Trinity, has given me the spiritual equivalent of a smackdown! Hoo boy, did it hurt!

You see, all of the "bad luck" that has been occurring in my life has been a side effect of my denial. I realized this today, and it didn't cost me a dime or any time on the therapist's couch. I have been so wrapped up in thinking that this was going to take place later, that I realized that nope, tomorrow is it! No more school supplies to buy, no more backpacks to buy or forget in the morning rush, no more books to lug around, no more fingerpaintings of turkeys at Thanksgiving or metal geometric shapes welded together from shop class.

No more field trip fees! No more permission slips or medical emergency cards to fill out! Hey, I'm seeing the good side of this now! He, he!

All joking aside, I guess I have been stressing myself out and working myself into a stroke because I didn't want it to be over...not yet. When I put him on the bus that first day of Kindergarten, I was wiping the tears from my cheeks as the bus rounded the corner and looked across the streets to the other mothers in the neighborhood doing the same thing, then we all turned and went home. At least we knew we weren't alone. Now, my son is a grown man, who is driving, shaving, holding down a job, and I cannot believe that he is who he is, but mostly, I cannot believe he came from me!

I have a biased opinion, I know. But he is the kind of person I am proud and honored to know. Truly, I am. And I will be sitting in that fieldhouse, crying my eyes out and I am sure I will look around and see the other mothers from the neighborhood and we will nod and acknowledge each other and one of us will smile and the others will smile back as if to say, "Here we are again! Wasn't it just yesterday we put them on the bus for Kindergarten? Where did the time go?"

My son is taking the summer for himself, to have some fun with his friends, to work and save up some money. He is planning to enlist in the Navy and leave in the fall for boot camp. He's not doing it "just for the money" for college. I asked him if I hit the lottery if he would just take the money and go to college and he said, "No. I would still enlist in the Navy. I want to see the world." Fair enough. I totally support him on that. I'm still scared for him, our world is at war and there is a part of me that prays he never has to fulfill his duty as a soldier and kill someone or be killed or wounded himself, but if that is where his heart lies, I will be there to support him. So, when he takes that journey this fall, I will have a whole new set of worries, but I know my son will be taking the path that is right for HIM, not the path I think is right for him. And that right there tells me that we raised a fine, young man. And I am grateful to all of those who helped me make that possible. In a way, we are all graduating too. Congratulations!