Randy Pausch, Thank You!

I'm sure you're wondering why I have the lovely family photo of Randy Pausch. I heard the news today, and I wanted to thank him.

Dr. Pausch passed away this morning. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2006, and wrote one of the most inspiring lectures I have ever heard. It's called "The Last Lecture", and the abridged version "Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams" (the version he did on Oprah). In April, the book "The Last Lecture" hit the bestseller list that was co-written with Jeffrey Zaslow.

Dr. Pausch was a professor at Carnegie Mellon University and the lecture was written more for his children than for his students, and it has inspired millions.

I've written about Dr. Pausch before, if you scroll through the archives here, you will see I was truly inspired by his positive attitude despite his terminal diagnosis.

My condolences to his family, especially his wife and children. But many thanks to him for showing all of us that it's not important the manner in which you pass from this life. It's what you do with your life when you're here that matters.

Go acheive your childhood dreams. Live the life you dream of, because you never know when it may be gone.

A Phone Call, More Letters & Some Good News

Alex called me on July 14. I know, you're looking at the date wondering why I didn't blog then instead of now. A lot has been happening around here.

First, the phone call. He called me when I was at work, and I have a huge dose of "Mommy Guilt" because I didn't recognize his voice on the phone at first. He sounded good, and a lot of my worries were laid to rest when I heard the tone of his voice. He says boot sucks, of course, but it's not as bad as he thought it was going to be, and he figured out right away that if you do what you're told, do it the way they want it done and keep your mouth shut, you're ok. He said some in his division haven't figured that out yet. He was in great spirits, and it sounded like he's having the time of his life. I know he's going to be great and successful in his Navy career.

Graduation is August 15, and QH and I are going. I would walk in hot asphalt in my bare feet to get there, if I had to, so there will be no stopping me from seeing him graduate. We have our reservations set, and I'm looking forward to seeing him. He'll have liberty that weekend so we can go have some fun. Then he goes to school, which will be there in Great Lakes, so he only has to move across the street.

He's also sent a few letters since then. The latest arrived on Thursday. He said he as 4 weeks of school and then he can come home for a leave. It would be sometime in October. He said he would be home for Christmas. (Yea!)

I can't wait for him to read the latest letter I sent him. I'm sure he's going to laugh. We got some news this week, some good news.

QH called me and asked if I felt "older". No, not really, why? He said he did and I asked why. "I'm going to be a grandpa."

What??

Yep, it's true. His son, Jess and his fiancee, Patrice, are expecting!! I guess in a round about way, that makes me "Grandma"!!

I cried. Of course, I did. Tears of joy. I know I'm only 39, but it doesn't matter. Alex always teased that I would be a Grandma before I hit 40!! He's going to crack up laughing when he finds out.

I'm happy for them and pray the baby is healthy. I told QH that we would spoil the child and send him or her home!! No problem with that!! It's going to be fun, and great practice for when Alex settles down (in about 30 years) and has kids!!

The writing career is well under way, and now I have more motivation to retire early. I'll have a grandbaby to chase around!!

Have a great weekend!

Happy 4th of July!!

Sometimes I wonder what the hell goes through my head.

I misunderstood QH when we were talking about plans for this weekend. I thought we had nothing going on, so I offered to dogsit for my parents (Molly, the Sheltie), and for my sister, Kelley and her husband (Boney the Bulldog). Well, lets just say things at home have been tense the last few days, and now I am sitting at home blogging while he's up north fishing at Lake Mille Lacs. Sigh.

Don't feel sorry for me, I was the one who agreed to dogsit, not him. I didn't expect him to stay home with me over the weekend being pissed about us having 2 dogs in the house. Serves me right for not clarifying our plans in the first place. I hope he's catching fish, at least, and he's not alone. He's staying up there with our friends, Bob and Connie at their cabin.

Just for the record, this will be the LAST TIME I dogsit. The bulldog has been a pain in the ass. He doesn't listen. He chases anything with wheels. He crapped right outside my deck where QH stepped in it this morning. He took off down the road with Molly running behind him and he wouldn't come back. I thought Molly would be the bigger pain! She's been an angel!!

Anyway, the neighbors have been having a great fireworks show around here. The dogs don't like it though. They both want me to pet them, comfort them, and they both want to sit in my lap while I'm on the computer. The noise has finally settled down, and the show was great! They are still hiding in the corner.

I'm hoping to get some writing work done since I'm alone here in the house. Maybe that's why God gave me the Senior Moment and had me screw up my weekend so I could write, get my stuff done and make some money. I know, it's a stretch, but I'll take it. And I got the day off at the factory, so that's a plus also.

The 4th of July isn't just picnics, parades and fireworks. It's time with your family and friends, the celebration of summer's peak. The corn is knee high (or close to it here). The crops are a little behind this year. The weather today has been fabulous. We have a lot to be grateful for in the United States of America, the greatest country in the world.

If you meet someone who is a veteran, or someone in active military duty, no matter what branch of the service they are in, walk up to them, shake their hand, and THANK THEM. We have the rights we do, and the ability to exercise those rights and we have our military men and women to thank for that. Even if you don't agree with the war in Iraq, our men and women are still serving in a VOLUNTEER military, and we need to support them any way we can. Their families are making the sacrifice as well, and if there is anything you can do to help them out, do it. Make donations to organizations that serve our military families, or veterans. Adopt a soldier through organizations like Operation Minnesota Nice. Even just a card or letter expressing your thanks will mean the world to them.

No call from my son in Navy boot camp. But I'm sure he's celebrating this 4th of July in a manner that he will never forget. And I'm so proud to be his Mom.

Have a safe and Happy 4th of July weekend!!

A second letter from Alex

I came home from work tonight and there was another letter from Alex. It was dated Sunday, June 29th. This time, it was an actual 2-page letter, not just 3 lines at the bottom of the last page of a form letter.

He said things are going better than he expected. He isn't sure when he will be able to call, but he's doing everything he can to make that possible. And he needs another phone card. :)

I will update everyone when I get a call. I'm hoping it will be tomorrow (Thursday) or Friday. Keep your fingers crossed, say a prayer, light candle, whatever ritual you want to do, that he can call.

Thanks, and support our troops and remember them and the sacrifices they and their families are making this 4th of July weekend. Without them, we would not be able to celebrate our country's freedoms. Honor them.

I GOT A LETTER!!

Yesterday while I was on the phone talking to my brother, Andy, my landlord, Mike, dropped off the mail and I paid him the rent. There was a letter addressed to me, written in pencil, and the return address was Alex!!!

I tore it open, and it was a form letter from the Navy, but it started out with Dear_____, and Alex wrote "Mom". The letter explained that recruits will not be able to receive packages during this time, that food should not be sent to recruits, that they are not allowed to leave unless an immediate family member dies, etc. Cards and letters are encouraged to be sent.

On the last page to the bottom, Alex was allowed to write in the 3 lines available in the "Recruit's Comments" section. He wrote:

"Mom, things are going well. My stuff I wore home should be getting there soon. Please check for my driver's license. Need it in a bad way. Don't know when I'll get to call. Depends on how things go. Talk to you soon. Love, Al..."

If anyone would like to write to him, family, friends, or just those who would like to give my son some support by sending him a card to encourage him, please email me at alsmom27@yahoo.com, and I will send you his address.

I feel much better now that I've heard something.

I need to get busy, or this is going to be a loooonnnng nine weeks!

Denial: This is much harder than I thought

It's been a week since he left. The picture above is the cake I ordered for his going away party which was June 14, 2008. The picture doesn't do it justice. It was a magnificent piece of work. I was grateful it turned out so well. I cried in the bakery department of Cub Foods, the day of his party because it was now real. Then I went back to my favorite coping mechanism.

Denial.

Yes, I've been playing that game this week.

My one and only child, my son, left home a week ago for boot camp. As I've mentioned previously, my son enlisted in the Navy. He left on June 19, 2008, for boot camp. I took two days off to "mourn" his departure.

I didn't.

I just repressed it.

Enter a distraction to keep me occupied this weekend. We went to the "Back to the 50's" Car Show at the State Fairgrounds in St. Paul. That repressed it even more for me. I thought, "Hey, I'm doing pretty good!" Until...

The package arrived yesterday afternoon. I thought it was for QH, but it wasn't. I recognized the handwriting on the box immediately. It was Alex's handwriting. Oh, Joy! Some word, finally, of my son! I opened it as fast as I could. Here were the contents:

1 pair of white tennis shoes,

1 pair of blue jeans,

1 under shirt,

1 pair of boxers,

1 pair of socks,

1 Minnesota Driver's License, stuffed into one of the tennis shoes,

1 ballpoint ink pen from the Marriott,

Several scraps of paper, stuffed into the other shoe,

1 airline ticket stub from American Airlines, and finally,

1 black T-shirt that reads, "Just Do It" on the front in white letters.

I laughed because I had just finished his laundry! I then pictured my son, standing in his military issue skivvies putting his clothes in the box thinking, "Mom's really going to love getting this!"

It took me a while, but I finally realized, they were sending the last remants of my son as a civilian. This part of his life is over, for now, and a new one is beginning. It's symbolic and painful at the same time. We go through the usual milestones in life, but this is a new one for me, sending your son off to become a sailor, a military man.

I know that the young man who left wearing the clothes in that box, will not be the same young man when he returns home. It breaks my heart, it really does.

But I also realized, I won't be the same person either. I hope to be a better person when my son returns.

Everything is different now. It was reality hitting me in the face. And that's when the meltdown began.

I'm not sure who I was kidding.

I guess I thought if I was super strong and didn't show it on the outside that this is what was going on in the inside, then I could sail through the remaining 9 weeks before he comes home.

Nope.

So, here I am trying to be brave. Trying to keep my emotions in check and trying to get my own stuff together. I have to cry, I have to let it out, and I have to let him go to become the man he is to be, no matter how painful it is.

We raise our children to become their own people, to live their own lives, and to be self-sufficient. But we have to allow ourselves to grieve for that chapter that closes in our lives, and embrace and celebrate the new chapter opening.

He called and left a message on my answering machine that he made it to boot camp okay, and he would call in 2 weeks. One week to go. I now understand the meaning of the AA slogan: Take it one day at a time.

I will take it one day at a time.

I will write to my son and as soon as I have an update or an address, and I will update all of you. I will pray he stays safe.

I will pray he excels (as I know he will) and makes it through boot camp and finds the strength he never knew he had within himself.

I pray that for me and QH, too.

Now I have to wipe the tears away and get on with my day. I have a lot to do before my son comes home.

I hope he's as proud of me as I am of him.

39 and...hoping

"It's never too late to become the person you might have been."

Thirty-nine years ago today (June 11, 1969) at 11:55 p.m., I arrived at North Memorial Hospital in Las Vegas, Nevada.

I can't believe I'm this old, and parts of me feel a lot older. LOL! But, I'm 39 and... hoping.

You read that correctly, H-O-P-I-N-G. I still have hope. I don't want to be 39 and HOLDING, that implies desperation, and I may have felt that way a few times today, I realize that's not the energy I want to put out into the world and have come back to me.

I Hope for the next year to come, that I will live to see the BIG 4-0.
I Hope that I will be working from home as a true, honest to God, income producing freelance writer and copywriter full time.
I Hope that I will be teaching and holding seminars, and workshops and sharing my love and passion of the written word to those who may be a little scared to make that leap.
I Hope QH and I can retire.
I Hope my son is successful in advancing in his career in the Navy.
I Hope to accomplish a few more goals on my list, both creatively, professionally, personally and financially.
I Hope that all of my family members and friends are still healthy and happy in their lives and if they aren't happy, I hope they find that path yesterday.
I Hope that we will be a better world, that people will treat each other with kindness.
I Hope...

As far as birthdays go, I had a rough start to my day. Thunderstorms rocked through the area all day. Lightning, thunder, dark clouds, torrential rain, and high winds are not weather that seems to induce any kind of positive reflection. I found myself wanting to go back to bed (which I did), and hide under the covers for a bit. But, I couldn't stay in bed all day, I have a lot of work to do.

I am up to my eyelashes in work to get my house, the garage and the yard in shape for this weekend. I'm throwing a party for my son before he leaves for boot camp on June 19th. I'm hoping all the bad weather is done now and that it will be sunny to partly cloudy on Saturday. Please pray. Thank you.

Today was also my babysitting day, and my nephew, Cannon, who is 2 years old, was over at my house. Usually he is pretty good, but today he was in all of his 2 year old glory. He might have picked up my stressed out vibe and decided to capitalize on it. Who knows.

He wanted me to hold him, then he was getting into the cupboards, then he was following me into the bathroom, then he was trying to sweep and almost breaking everything around him, so I gave him a "rag" and he started "cleaning" stuff. That seemed to work until lunch when I made him spaghetti and he ended up with more on his head and clothes than in his mouth. Bath time!!

I had to take him to my Mom's house because I had today off from work (thank you, thank you, thank you), and I lost 2 hours running from my house to her house, stopping by Walmart really quick and then getting back to the house to try and finish up what I was working on. Since Mom and I work at the same place, we usually play "Pass the baby" at work and Cannon goes home with her.

When I finally arrived back home, I was washing the dishes, and when the water started to drain out, I heard this louder than usual gushing sound coming from under the sink. The pipe had unscrewed itself from under the drain and the water was pouring out into a bucket underneath. The water collected mostly in the bucket, but some of it ended up on my freshly mopped floor. GRRRR!!!

Oh, and it was about 5:15 pm and I was expected to go over to my MIL's house for taco dinner for my birthday...at 5:30 pm. Great.

How's that song go? "If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all?"

I wanted to feel sorry for myself.

I really did.

I did have a mental moment when I just cried because it seemed all I was doing was spinning my wheels.

Earlier today, my brother called to wish me a Happy Birthday, and I felt really awful when I was whining to him on the phone. I almost broke down because he and his lovely wife, Lisa, live in Oklahoma, and they aren't able to visit before Alex leaves. I tried not to let my voice shake too much, because he had also called with good news. He has been working his butt off for the last few months to get into school to become a respiratory therapist and he MADE IT!! I am so proud of him, and I realized just how much I really miss my brother. I put the phone down and let the tears go. Enough is enough.

In the end, I can't really feel sorry for myself.

All the things that happened today were "little things". Nothing more than annoyances. Nothing about them was life threatening (ok, the weather had the potential to be dangerous).

I was watching Oprah last night(it was a repeat) and they had Randy Pausch, the author of "The Last Lecture". Randy has a great career, has a beautiful wife and 3 beautiful children under the age of 5 and he's dying of pancreatic cancer. He wrote the "Last Lecture" as part of a class he teaches at Carnegie Mellon University. The lecture is based on the hypothetical situation that if you know you are going to die, what wisdom would you impart to your students or the world at large. Only in his case, it's reality.

One of the most profound things he said was, "You have a choice to be a Tigger or an Eeyore. It's up to you how you decide, how you choose to go through life." (I'm paraphrasing, if you want to check out the whole lecture, I believe it's on the Oprah.com website.

After watching that, and listening to what he said, I realized I have nothing to bitch about. This last few weeks has brought lots of bad news about my family and friends.

Firs, my uncle Jim, who lives in North Dakota, suffered a heart attack a few days ago, and had to have surgery. I have him and his family in my prayers. I was told he is home tonight.

I also have a dear friend who is battling Hodgkins Disease. She went today to have surgery to prep her for chemo. You know her, she's been a frequent visitor here. She is Sandy Lender, author of the Choices Meant for Gods trilogy. The second installment is on its way to be printed at the publisher, and she gets the news that she has this lymphoma in her lungs. No, she doesn't smoke, she eats as healthy as she can, and she is optimistic that she will be "over this in a couple of months." This was quite a shock, since she is a year YOUNGER than me. Talk about a wake up call.

So, as I sit here in the dark, almost 2 hours into being 39 years old, I have to say I am very truly blessed. I can't complain but I do, I'm human and I have my tantrums. I have my "the world should revolve around me moments," but I KNOW, there are people close to me, and some I don't know, who are going through a hell of a lot more than I am. Shut up and be thankful. Count your blessings and figure out what you're going to accomplish before your next birthday, you whiny baby!!

The quote at the top is a new one. I have it taped to my computer monitor where I can glance up and read it when I feel like giving up. I got it from one of my writing groups in Yahoo, called the Creative Mindset. One of the members quoted it during a teleseminar.

I love it. It will set the pace for me in the next 12 months.

In the meantime, for those who wished me a Happy Birthday and I was less than chipper, my sincerest apologies. I was not trying to be ungrateful. I truly appreciate those who remembered, even though I wanted to forget.

I would also like to thank my mother. She's always told me the story about the day I was born, police escort and all, every year on my birthday. She called me tonight to tell me she was having labor pains! LOL! I told her she should call her doctor right away. There might be a problem there!

I realized I'm thankful she is still here to call me and tell me that story, and that she still remembers it. Most people I know have lost their parents, or if they are still living, their memories or their health is fading. Both my folks are alive and kicking, and while they may drive me nuts sometimes, I'm still grateful I have them both.

Now, where's that cake???