Goodbye July, Hello August!

July 10, 2011, a thunderstorm rocked Lake Mille Lacs where our boat was docked at Hunter Winfield's Resort. Winds over 60 mph and lake swells caused our boat pictured above to break loose and end up crashing on the rocks on the lakeshore. What you don't see is the three foot wide hole in the bottom of the boat. What amazed me when I took the pictures the next day was that nobody was hurt or killed.

The month of July has been long, hot, challenging and I am glad for the lessons learned (put more insurance on if you can), but I am glad that it is over. August brings a lot of changes. My son is home from Virginia where he worked for the last 3 weeks in the Navy Reserves, only to pack and leave for Fargo to his college orientation. He won't be home long and then he's off to college for good. At least he's not too far from home this time.

I spent today trying to write my children's book I've been working on and found myself getting very frustrated. It was like I forgot how to write. I've been guilty of letting other things get in the way of my writing time, like work & sleep, but it felt like you do when you come back to work from a long vacation. It takes you a few days to get back into the swing of things. I've been away from it for far too long. I am finding myself having a hard time communicating verbally and in my writing. The flow I had before just isn't there. I know I just have to make a point to just write everyday no matter what and it will be like swimming: once you learn how you never forget. :)

Have a great weekend and see you in August!

One Writer's Search For Meaning

“The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose ones attitude in any given circumstance.~Viktor E. Frankl

 

All weekend I've been sick, nursing a cold/sinus infection. I've been pretty miserable, but trying to "will myself better" so I can go to work tomorrow. I've allowed myself to be sick, and to take care of myself, to sleep and drink a lot of tea (lemon/ginseng and orange/jasmine tea with hot water and honey), broth, and watch what I want on television (mostly Netflix) and just laze around.

This is not my normal state of being, I assure you. What brought my sickness about is a run down immune system caused by stress and worry. Stress of mind, body and spirit. Worries that haven't manifested or may never manifest, but they still keep running through my head. I keep running on the hamster wheel, going nowhere, not allowing myself time to think, time to sleep, or time to just BE. It finally caught up with me.

As you all know, I dream of being a published writer, someday.

I write here on my blog and tell all my little stories and adventures thinking someone out there must be reading it, even if it's only a handful of my family and friends. I used to wrote articles for the local newspaper, and I'm re-writing and editing a few novels I have written and finished, thanks to National Novel Writing Month in the past, but I never seem to get any further than that. The writing gets pushed back, or I get distracted with something else, or I find some excuse not to finish what I started.

Why? What is the point of writing if you are not going to share it with the world? Why keep doing it? Why not just publish something, ANYTHING, and get it over with? What's the obstacle that keeps me from finishing my so-called dream?

Fear. Fear of success. Fear of failure. Fear that I will change and that everything will change (which is really silly, because EVERYTHING changes. Nothing is stagnant forever). Well, that is part of it. Mostly, I feel that without becoming a writer, my purpose, my life, is really meaningless. Without the actual act of writing, even for a blog, or a journal, or even a letter or a thank-you card, I feel I am not fulfilling my life's purpose. Everyone keeps asking me when the book is going to get published, when I'm going to have it in their hands and available to buy. I always say, "I'm working on it. I'm editing it. Soon. Soon." But then "soon" never comes. I am not only lying to them, but I am lying to myself. That's wrong. Not fair to them and not fair to me either. I didn't really understand why I was doing this, and how to move beyond it to the place I really want to be. I keep sabotaging myself. 

This weekend I did some reading. I ordered a book I've been wanting to read for a very long time. Since I was sick this weekend, I finally gave myself the time to read it. The book is called, "Man's Search For Meaning," by Dr. Viktor Frankl. If you have not read it yet, please, get this book by any means necessary and read it. If you have children, especially teenagers, give it to them and have them read it. It's that important.

In this book, Dr. Frankl describes in detail his life as a prisoner in four concentration camps including Auschwitz. You would think the subject matter would be depressing, and sometimes it is sad, and I did cry in some parts and at the end, but it is also full of hope and inspiration.

He tells how he and his fellow prisoners could see when someone had lost hope, the signs of their soon to be demise, their inability to get dressed, to even go to work, even if under threat of a beating by the SS guards, how they would just sit, literally in their own juices, smoking their last cigarette, until they died.

It is very dangerous, and deadly, to lose hope, to believe that there is no meaning to your life, when you are faced with such unavoidable circumstances such as unemployment, prison, or death. He details how you can survive the three most horrible things: pain, guilt and death and do them with dignity. That if a man has meaning in his life, something or someone to live for, he can survive anything. And even if it is not possible for him to survive, he can hold his head up high and stand up with honor, while facing death or disease.

This is a man, who lost his whole family: his elderly parents, his young and pregnant wife, his brother, and came back to Vienna to help those after the war, and also in the process, helped himself. He wrote this book in 9 days.

That's not a typo. Nine (9) days. And he went on to marry, have children and continue his work until he died in his 90's in 1997.

But most importantly, he found a way to live, to love and to work to help others. He was able to put that nightmare behind him, find the beauty and humor in that experience and go on to be a joyful, grateful human being, with meaning in his life and his life's work. So many times, the odds were against him surviving, and yet, he made it, because of his attitude toward his situation. He was able to see, even in that horrible place, the beauty of the mountains, the trees, the flowers, the sunsets, and the spirits in his fellow inmates.

Most of what is stressing me out is real: the threat of unemployment again (I keep having bad dreams of it happening again), of not being able to provide for my family, of failing again at my writing, at not measuring up to my expectations or the expectations of those I care about (mostly my expectations are almost impossible to achieve), being good at everything and when I'm not, beating myself up for it, blah, blah, blah.

Now, after reading this book, I ask myself. What is there to fear? If this man could go through losing everything and becoming just "a number", as he describes it, and then write something touching millions of readers and helping them out of the abyss of their despair, and it continues to inspire teachers, therapists, and writers, then isn't it the purpose of every write to touch the life of one person with their words and their work, and leave a legacy behind that will be as true today as it was when it was written? Isn't that why we all write?

We surely write for ourselves on one level, even if it is just to calm the voices and the storms in our heads and get the words on the screen or on the page. But ultimately, we write for the reader, hoping on some level, we are able to help them escape, or laugh or cry or be touched or excited, even for just a little while. And to inspire future writers to take up the pen, or hit those keys.

A blog will disappear with the stroke of a key. And while I really enjoy writing this blog, that is not what I want. I want a legacy. I want a permanent legacy. I want a real, hold in your hands book with my name on it. I want someone to say, as I did tonight as I closed the last page of Dr. Frankl's book, "Thank you for writing this. Thank you. It's what I really needed right now."

I'm feeling much better.

NaNoWriMo: Skipping to Day 23

NaNoWriMo word count as of Day 23:   45,065


Ok, I know, my updates haven't been as frequent or as timely. My apologies to all of you. I've been a bit busy.

I promise to let you all in on the details later, but for now, rest well in the knowledge I have not given up and I am still writing. :)

Have a great day! And stay warm. :) 

NaNoWriMo: Day 11-Whoohoo! Snow!

Total word count as of Day 11:  30,469

Today is Friday. My day off. I usually have Fridays off, and I love and appreciate that fact, especially today. Why? Well, I take Fridays as my running around day: errands, cash my paycheck, grocery shopping, and usually, I am so tuckered out, the thought of cooking supper (tonight it was chinese from the China Buffet here in Zimmerman) or sitting down to write make me want to just take a shower, put on my jammies and call it a night.

Instead, I got home around 4:00 pm and was happy to still have a few minutes to settle in, get my stuff put away and then order dinner. The love of my life, QH, was home, and my son, who isn't feeling well and called in sick today, we all got to sit down TOGETHER and have a nice dinner. Since I work nights, it's usually rare that we are all home at the same time, let alone home together long enough to sit down and have a meal together that isn't breakfast on the weekend.

I just peeked outside and it is snowing. This is the first snowfall of the season here and I feel that I am not ready for snow yet. As QH pointed out to me, this is November, after all, and ironically, in the novel I am writing for NaNoWriMo, there is an impending snowstorm coming that will work into the plot and may be a background character in this novel. I can't change the weather, so I guess I will have to embrace the snow.

Most everyone wants me to post some of this novel, but I need to polish it up a bit before I can do that. And I want to finish it first. I want to have it all done before I start putting chapters out there for people to read.

In answer to the next logical question, "Are you going to publish it anywhere?" That's a good question. If I can't find someone to publish it in the traditional sense, I am playing with the idea of publishing it myself. Mainly because I have always wanted to learn what that whole process is about, not just by posting it on my blog or anything, but by going through the whole idea-to-book-to-print book form. I can publish it myself as an e-book, but I'm not sure right now what exactly I will do with it. I'm still playing and having a fabulous time doing it.

But more than just the Fun Factor, because I am doing a discipline, an adhered to writing schedule, a ritual, if you will, I can see that the rest of my life is falling into place. I have learned this before in the previous NaNoWriMos I have done in the past, even the ones I didn't win at. When you find something you really love to do, like write, sculpt, knit, play guitar, sing, or shoot targets, it doesn't matter what activity it is, if you can really lose yourself to it and time just flies by for you and you feel renewed by doing it, it is exactly what you need to do more of. Life is short. You may not wake up tomorrow. Will you really say, I'll really miss working today? Most of us don't like the jobs we do. My jobs have always enhanced my writing because I have been able to transfer the skills I have and apply them to my writing and vice versa.

And there is no greater boost to you or your mood when you accomplish a goal you set out to achieve. I was shooting for a minimum of 2,000 words per day. Today, I exceeded my expectations, and I feel fantastic: Whoohoo!

Stay safe, stay warm and go play in the snow tomorrow, if it sticks around long enough to play in or make a snowman or two!

NaNoWriMo: Day 9 & 10 Past the Halfway Mark

Total word count after Day 9 & 10:    25,358

I was hoping I would get past the halfway mark after today, and I am proud to say I have met my goal. I was feeling a bit under the weather, mostly I think due to the time change. For some reason, it seems to be affecting me more this year than in other years. I don't know why. Maybe because I'm an old woman! :)

Anyway, I did write some words on Day 9, but I wasn't in the mood to write last night and tonight, I just sat down and let it all go and when I couldn't see the keyboard anymore and I kept making mistakes, I decided to see where my word count was, and there it is above.

Now, I'm heading to bed. More writing tomorrow. I want to see if I can finish this before next week. :)

New Job, New Schedule, New Outlook, Part 2

This has been a really crazy week.

Monday I got a call from my temp service that the company I was raving about working for had cancelled me.

I felt like someone hit me right in the gut.

No further explanation, just that's it, we're done with you.

As I was attempting to process this news, and fighting back the tears in the meantime, she tells me, "There's a job available at 6:00 am to 6:00 pm tomorrow at XYZ Company, if you can make it there, I'll call them and tell them to expect you. It will be Tuesday, Wednesday and then Thursday from 6:00 am to 12:00 pm (noon). Can you give me an answer before 6:00 pm tonight?"

I thought at first that I should ask the Hubby if he thought I should take it, and then I said, "Sure, I'll be there." He was on a motorcycle ride, and I figured bad news/good news could wait until he got back.

I didn't know what to do or what to think, but then I realized, this is what life is like as a temporary worker. You have no idea from one day to the next if you are going to be working or not working. Who am I kidding? Even permanent workers don't know from one day to the next if they will be working or not in this "new economy." What the hell makes me exempt? Not a damn thing.

Hubby was not happy to hear I lost a job, or knowing the drive was about 45 minutes to an hour for the "new job" and it would pay a dollar an hour less than what I was making at ABC Company, well, at this point, you can't turn anything down. We went for a drive in the Pink Ride and I cried a bit as we drove through the Refuge. I was already attached to the people I worked with and I was mourning the loss of them as much as the job itself.

I do know this much: I am happier working than not working. I feel my life, the planets and my whole Universe came into alignment once I realized I work, therefore I am, and accepted I need a job to structure my life.

My good friend, Beth Erickson said it best when I talked to her Monday, before I knew my Universe was going to shift once again, when she said, "It's different now that you're not running from a job you hate."

Amen, Beth!

That's exactly what I've been doing. I've been trying so hard to make the writing career work, or find any way to make money so I could be "ok" with not working a traditional job. I didn't realize I was doing it so I didn't have to work at my old job and it became more like hell on Earth with each passing day. It wasn't so much the job, like I've said before, it was the ENVIRONMENT.

My friend, Wendy, who works at XYZ Company and worked at ABC Company as a temporary worker, asked me, "Now, that you've worked at 3 different companies, which one do you like best?"

I couldn't argue with her, and this will blow your hair straight out, but the XYZ Company was Best out of all 3! Yes, the one where I drive farther (mostly back roads, lots of horse farms, trees, rivers, streams, a nice big lake, etc.), and I make less money than my old job, or even the one I had at ABC Company! Go figure.

I've realized this, and I told Beth this on the phone before the "bad news", that it's not about the money. It's not even the job. It's just feeling like I need to contribute in some way, no matter how small.

I'm grateful to be able to work, physically, and mentally it does a lot more for me than I realized. But even if I never hit the bestseller list, even if I never win a Pulitzer, I'm still a writer. I still want to touch people with the words I put on the screen, on my blogs, or in my notebooks. I want to write books and e-books, and teach writing to those who want to learn. I want to give seminars and workshops. Even if I don't make a penny off of it, it will be worth it to me if someone says they learned something or it helped them come out of the "closet" and be brave enough to write in the light of day.

And all of this would not be possible if it weren't for two very special people in my life. One is the Hubby, who I met fifteen (15) years ago today at Bob and Kathy's house, standing in the kitchen, with a Bayfront Bluesfest T-shirt and I felt like my knees gave out from under me. After 15 years, I still get that feeling when I realize how lucky I am to have that man in my life.

And the other person, is my son Alex, who came into my life whether I was ready or not and taught me I was stronger than I realized. Both have restored my faith in love and the belief that love really does conquer all and will never die.

As I look ahead, I know I can't count on this "new job," but I'll take what I can get and this place is wonderful, even better than the job I raved about before. I think it's funny how one minute you get the worst news, and the next day, you realize it truly was a blessing and it was how things were supposed to work out, not the way you wanted or expecte them to work out.

On Wednesday, my granddaughter, Ava, celebrated her first birthday. She is so much different than she was a year ago. It's so amazing the changes we all go through in each stage of our lives but the first two years are so full of change, you just have to go with it. Best advice I can give new parents: Adapt to the baby's schedule, don't try to make the baby adapt to yours. You'll deal with things a lot better if you realize it coming right out of the gate.

Good lesson to follow at any age: Go with the flow. Stop stressing out.

Take it day by day. It's all you can do.

Don't Stop Believing-EVER.

For those of you who think that there's no hope in the world, just take a look at the Minnesota Vikings and the Minnesota Twins. Both had tough games in the last two days. Both won, in spite of the odds against them.

Why do people give up so easily? Most of the successful people in this world, the entrepeneurs, the businessmen and businesswomen, the movers and shakers, are the ones who stick it out to the end. They are the ones that try, just one more time, even if they have everything to lose. Why?

Giving up is easy. Sometimes it's encouraged. Heaven forbid someone take the "Road Not Taken" as Robert Frost wrote of, and go through the hard and tangled brush, the difficulty, the obstacles, even those we erect ourselves. It's easier to take the smoother path.

But what fun is that?

Being a writer in a world that doesn't exactly encourage pursuing that career path is hard, difficult, and if you aren't selling books or articles or anything you produce from your craft, can lead you to financial poverty.

But what about the poverty of your soul?

I don't want everyone who has the desire to be a writer, or artist, or entrepeneur to just quit their job and go do it without some serious thought and planning and discussion with their family. But I don't want to see people living like a zombie, stuck in a job that just barely takes care of the necessities and nothing else. There's more to life than just paying the bills.

In the last few entries, and in the last few weeks, I have been promoting my ebooks and the fundraiser I'm participating in this month. It's not about the money and at the same time, it's all about the money.

Money is a tool. It's a way to measure success or failure, and it brings a lot of good things along with it when it arrives: food, shelter, electricity, phone service, Internet connection service, gas for the car, and a nice donation to a great organization.

I'm a writer by choice, and at the same time, I have no choice.

Writing to me is like breathing. I can't stop writing, and I can't stop breathing. Being able to write something other people will enjoy, or be helped by, or be informed by or even laugh when they feel like crying is the reason I write. And getting paid to do that is even better. It's the dream of all of us to live our lives doing what we love, and get paid to do it.

I was told by several people that they wouldn't buy my book, "The Golden Rules of Making Money (And How To Use Them)" and that's ok. It's not for everyone, just like romance novels aren't my thing either. If you wait for everyone to be happy with what you do, you will never do anything.

And if you decide that you will do what you love no matter what, and find a way to get a paid for it, just know that the path is not going to be easy, but when you come out on the other side, the view from here is spectacular.

And it's actually a lot of fun getting here, too.

But if you give up, the trip is over. Just don't stop believing and keep on going, you never know if you'll make it if you just quit.

Ask the Vikings and the Twins.

Announcing NaNoWriMo 2008 Winner Laura M. Crawford

I did it!!

My official word count is (drum roll, please):

50,664

I received my certificate, which I promptly filled out and saved and printed. I worked my tail off to get this finished. I am truly proud of myself, and will continue with this novel, edit it, and hopefully find a publisher for it. If no one wants to publish it then I will turn it into a book, and an ebook, and sell or give it away.

The thing about doing something this challenging is that it really shows you what you are capable of. I did screw off a bit, and I did not write every single day, and initially I did not reach my goal of finishing by November 14th, but I knew I did not want to let another year pass by without finishing in the winner's circle.

Now I'm off to finish another of my goals. Yes, it's writing related. I want to establish my web sites, get my multiple streams of income going, and be able to reach that place of financial freedom, where I can do what I want, work as a writer, and be able to work at home. It's more than just making money, it's making a life. And since life is so short, and death is so long, I want to make the most of my life and enjoy as much of it as I can.

After being able to accomplish this feat of writing 50,664 words in less than 30 days, there is no limit to what I can do.

Don't Keep Feeding the Fear

The news has not been good this week. Financial experts on Wall Street are predicting it will get worse before it gets better.

In the meantime, our federal government is attempting to pass a bailout package that will get this country's financial life recusitated, but that's only if they can AGREE on a package. Once the cameras were off, the gloves were off and it broke down into a shouting match. This is not good news for any of us.

Today, they are looking at all the options, trying to figure out a solution to this problem, to keep us from this country's worst financial disaster since the crash of 1929. With all the political backlashing and finger pointing going on, I don't have high hopes that they will come to a speedy and agreeable solution. In the end, we the people will be screwed royally, once again.

Aren't you all getting tired of this? On the media, there is never any good news. I am getting to the point I can't watch television anymore. If there isn't gloom and doom of the economy going in the toilet, then there is the war in Iraq and Afghanistan, the disasters from the hurricanes this year, etc.

I am not suggesting we all stick our heads in the sand and hope it goes away. That doesn't solve anything, and that manner of dealing with the problems our country is facing is how we all got in this mess in the first place! We can't look backwards and say, "Oh, it was this and this that caused this to happen." Sure, we might want to learn from this experience, but now is not the time to analyze who or what is responsible for this mess.

We all need to stop feeding the fear. The more we listen to this crap, all this negativity, all the fear, all the panic, the sky is falling, blah, blah, blah, the more this will continue. We need to stop and look at what is working. We need to take inventory of what we DO HAVE, not what we lost. We need to help each other through this, or we will never get past this.

But most of all, we need to shut off the television. Be informed, yes, but don't keep listening to the point you think the end of the world is coming and you start boarding up your windows and doors. If you need to find some way to ease the panic, here are a few suggestions:

*Be grateful. List all the things you have and all the people in your life you are grateful for. List your health, if you are in decent health, the fact you woke up this morning is a gift in itself. Start from there.

*Stock up on provisions, if you can. If you feel stocking up on canned goods and non-perishable items in your pantry will ease your anxiety, go ahead. Sometimes feeling prepared for any disaster will ease that feeling of no control.

*Find some "good news" to read or listen to each day. Check out Happy News Headlines, a newsletter that gives you only "happy news". Find articles and movies that inspire you. Watch "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch, or "The Secret". Find ways to make you feel more positive and enlightened.

*Pray. I don't go to church, but I believe in God. With God all things are possible. I pray all the time, and ask him to help all of us through this. If you aren't religious, then meditate and let go all the negative feelings and visualize the positive feelings and events you want to see happen.

*Help someone else. If you can, find ways to help someone who is in a worse spot than you are. Volunteer. Give a dollar or two to your favorite charity. Donate blood. Clean out your closets and give the stuff you don't need or use anymore to GoodWill or the Salvation Army. When you give, you get so much in return. And it just feels good.

My way of dealing with crisis is to cook. I made tacos, and tater tot casserole, and apple crisp. I also went to the meat market and stocked our freezer with meat. I got the laundry done, and will be cleaning my house, my closets, and my garage and purging out the stuff I don't need or use so someone else can use it.

I also write. Writing has been my salvation through all the good times and the hard times I have been through in my life. I pour out my heart on the page or the screen and it lifts a huge weight from my shoulders. Therapy in a notebook that cost me $1.00 at Wal-Mart. That's affordable. And the pay off I get is priceless.

I also watch a lot of movies. Funny movies, or inspirational movies (Rudy, Rocky, Lord of the Rings), and lose myself in a few hours from what's going on. I also get good ideas from them that helps feed my creativity and my imagination.

But most of all, I remember that "This too, shall pass."

How do you deal with hard times? What works for you? Comment and share. Who knows, you might help someone else, but most importantly, you will be helping yourself.

And remember we can get through this together.

Taking My Own Advice

I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine yesterday.

She is currently "between jobs" and has been interviewed for two very promising positions.

One is a job that would allow her more flexibility, the kind of work that would be able to let her skills shine and it doesn't pay much, but it does have potential.

The other, is a job that has a long commute, but the hours are regular, and the money is significant. She wouldn't have the flexibility she would have with the first position, and she would be coming home later, and miss some of the activities that her children participate in, but she would still have the weekends off with both positions.

The dilemma is this, does she go for the job that would feed her soul or go for the money and the steady paycheck?

Logic would say to take the 2nd job, it would be a regular schedule, a regular paycheck, and it would be a sucky commute (she would have to buy a car to save on gas), but with the bills to pay and the kids to feed...well, it's tempting to go that route.

I told her that money isn't everything. You can make a million dollars a year, but if you don't enjoy what you're doing and you're missing out on your kids growing up, what's the point?

She said she would like to get the 2nd job, get chosen for it knowing that she is qualified and able to get a position like that with good pay and then...turn them down and take the first job. But she admitted with the money, it would be really hard to turn that down.

I then realized that I need to take my own advice. I keep thinking that someplace out there is a great job with great pay that will pay the bills and let me afford some luxuries, but when I start thinking of interviewing, commutes, office politics, and having to kiss ass everyday, well, my stomach turns. It just feels wrong for so many reasons. Mainly, it's not what I want anymore.

This last year has been about me pursuing my writing dream. Getting the experience, writing and sending out articles to be published, writing books, finding a wonderful coach (Beth Ann Erickson) to help and guide me, and to invest all of that time and energy and money in writing for a living and then to just put that all aside for a job with money makes what I've done a waste.

I thought this over last night when I was at work (my factory job that pays the bills right now), and realized I need to feed my soul as much as I need to feed the family. I need to take my own advice and really go for this writing career I've dreamed of because nothing else right now feels right.

Don't worry, I'm not quitting the factory just yet. The bills still need to be paid, but once the writing is paying the bills and then some, bye-bye factory!

I also realized I forgot to tell my friend the most important thing I've learned this year: When you love what you're doing it's not work, and the money will follow. I have been truly blessed in my life, especially this last year to find the coach I needed, the books I needed to read, the inspiration from other people and other writers to keep me sitting at the keyboard everyday. But most of all, when I start to worry about money, the money doesn't come. When I do what I love to do, and don't think about the money, it shows up, time and time again. Once I made the decision to pursue my writing career, wonderful things started to happen and I can't ignore that, nor can I ignore my instincts. This is, without a doubt, the right path for me.

Life is too short to be miserable doing something you hate just for a paycheck. I decided last year that I wanted something more, and I need to reach those goals: doing what I love by writing, working at home, working the hours I want, helping people with my gifts and skills, teaching and holding workshops, and have the life I envisioned.

I have to get back to writing now. I'll keep you posted on my progress!

Goodbye, February!

Wow. I didn't realize it's been well over a month since I posted. Oh, well. I have a laundry list of reasons why it's taken me so long. I'll just give you all the highlights since you are all so busy, busy, busy! So, here goes...

First, February may be the shortest month in the calendar year, but it's always been the worst for me. Bad Karma usually hits me in February, no matter what, and if it doesn't hit me in February, then it's just as March is beginning. This year is a leap year for crying out loud, so let's prolong the agony, shall we???

There is some good news, or some great news to report though, I won't bring everyone down into my personal pity party.

First and foremost, QH did very well this year on Valentine's Day, complete with a dozen of the most unique roses I have ever seen. Great card (he created himself), and of course, he got me DARK, DARK CHOCOLATE! YUMMMM! Instead of going the usual I-waited-until-the-last-minute-and-got-you-a-stupid-dancing/singing-hamster, I decided the QH deserved to have a kick-ass present. After all, the gifts I gave him for Christmas this year were so LAME! (What did Dad get? Dad got hosed!) I should be punished and sent to bed with no supper for that, so I wanted to make sure I got him something he A) wanted and mentioned he wanted, not something I thought he wanted, and B) was something he would be able to use and enjoy.

No, folks, no Harley Davidson full dress Electroglide just yet. I need to sell some organs and a whole forest of manuscripts to get going on that.

No, I bought him a cool new digital camera. The plan worked, I knocked his socks off! He said he wanted the "cheapie" one, but I know deep down that he would just love the higher up model. The one I bought him was fabulous, and we got the opportunity to see what it could do at a wedding that very weekend. Congratulations to Chad and Missy and baby Isabel Grace. The wedding was beautiful and I blubbered and cried, and we had a great time!

The thing that still gets me, is QH keeps asking why.

Well, Duh!

I won't go through the whole list of things this man has done, still does, and I hope will continue to do, not just for me, but for my son as well. Everything from washing the dishes, doing the laundry, helping Alex work on his car, being there for him to encourage him and guide him on his embarking on his life's journey, to supporting me (and kicking me in the ass when I need it) with my writing and just being HIM! I also feel that it's a small way of showing how much I appreciate him and all the things, big, medium and small he does for us every single day we spend with him. He deserves so much more. I just have to keep working at delivering a lot faster! And get those "multiple streams of income" flowing and growing!

This month also brought with it the knowledge that even though I got my flu shot, I still can get sick. I have been battling a sinus infection for about a month now. The pressure in my head was so bad (how bad was it??), my glasses were imprinted on my face! I couldn't breathe, hear, taste, smell or talk (I hear you all clapping out there!). Then everyone else got it. My Mom got it and it turned into bronchitis. Cannon got really sick with this too.

I've been stoned on Theraflu and DayQuil for the last few weeks. There went my gym classes, and my writing. I did break down and bought a neti pot and it has been such a lifesaver. If you suffer from sinus anything, go get one, but most important, USE IT!!

Last but not least, it also brought an Oscar award to a writer whose work I admire, and to two brothers from Minnesota who make these films that stay with you. They were all so deserving, I would like to congratulate Diablo Cody for winning her award for Best Original Screenplay for "Juno", and for the Coen brothers, Joel and Ethan, for winning Best Picture, Best Directors, and a slew of other awards including an Oscar for Javier Bardem for his chilling portrayal in "No Country For Old Men." Both are films I am anxious to see, and kudos to all of them. Minnesota kicked ass at the Oscars!

Now, it's off to bed. I have some major life shifting going on, and will be purging and cleaning this weekend to create a few vacuums and get some energies flowing positively in the right directions. If you haven't picked it up yet, read "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. It's Oprah's latest pick for her Book Club and I believe it will be changing not only MY life, but the lives of so many others, not to mention, our own planet.

"Be the change you want to see in the world."~Gahndi

Misfits Unite!

My name is Laura, and I'm a misfit.

Let me explain. I subscribe to a number of online ezines, newsletters, blogs, etc. I am going to be launching my own zine soon, or newsletter, or both, and I needed to research the best and the worst to get a feel for what is being put out there to find my niche. Tonight, the posts I read from John Carlton's Big Damn Blog( http://www.john-carlton.com/ )"The Slippery Truth" and "Misfits In Charge", were like a splash of cold water in the face. Surprising, refreshing, but most importantly, eye opening.

How many of you walk through your life like a zombie? You're here, but your not here. You function at a level that doesn't seem to take much thought whatsoever, going through the motions, day after day, and it usually takes something like a tumor, a heart attack, or worse, the death of someone close to you, to make you realize that there is more to life than just "going through the motions."

I'm not judging anyone, because I am guilty as charged, but I realized, thanks to John Carlton's post about misfits, I am one of them.

I'm a misfit. It all makes sense. Only a few people in my circle of family, friends, and co-workers actually GET ME!

I am not happy going through the motions, trying to live up to other people's expectations, following their rules, all of that! I've been labeled lazy, out-of-it, a daydreamer, a failure, a troublemaker, and my personal favorite, angry. Of course I'm angry! I haven't been living the life I'm meant to live, trying to conform to a society and rules that don't apply to me! I've been trying to do the right thing for everyone else...but not FOR ME!

Why? To avoid conflict. To keep the peace and keep everyone else off my freaking back. But now, I understand. I wasn't born to conform. I have a hard time following the idiotic policies and procedures of my job, and society, because they don't work for me!

I'm not advocating everyone create mass chaos here (although, with regard to the gas prices, I think the zombies need to wake up or go feast on some oil barons masquerading as politicians!). Just a little anarchy to get the juices flowing. We creative types need stimulation!

I'm a writer. I will make a living as a writer, or die trying, and since I have way too many people, places and things I want to meet, see, and do before I start pushing up daisies, I'm going to make it one way or another. I'm not ready to quit my steady job yet, but I will post when that day arrives. Watch for the fireworks!

Most of the goals I have set for myself, in regards to my writing have been accomplished:

1. I have been published. Yes, in my local paper, but it counts!
2. I have started my own writing business and have business cards to prove it!
3. I am writing my second novel for NaNoWriMo 2007, editing the first novel from 2006 and outlining a third.
4. I have a mentor, Beth Erickson, who is helping me get my writing business and career off the ground.

I haven't stopped dreaming, laughing, or praying for help when I really need it, but most of all, I haven't stopped being grateful for all of these things and more.
These are just the ones I have completed for myself. I still have a long way to go, but here are some that I will be working on in the next few months:

1. Get a domain name, website, etc.
2. Market my business locally, then regionally, and finally, nationally.
3. Establish more than one stream of income using my skills as a writer and speaker.
4. Teach writing classes, marketing classes, seminars or workshops, and get paid for it!



I am having more fun and I have never been more scared in my life doing this, but sometimes you have to just jump in and do it.

I am an observer, which is a good trait to have if you want to be a writer. I have observed the most successful people are those who follow their own path, the "The Road Not Taken", as Robert Frost wrote. It is one of my favorite poems, and when I think things are tough, that I can't go on, or I want to give up on myself, I read that poem.



Imagine where the world would be if Robert Frost didn't take "the road not taken." What if Stephen King never wrote or tried to publish his work? Or if John Lennon didn't get together with 3 other musicians to form The Beatles? Or if Bill Gates didn't drop out of Harvard to follow his instincts with regards to computers? Or if Oprah didn't start her talk show? You get the picture.

Think of all the people you admire, who inspire you, who have come from absolutely nothing to be where they are now, if they didn't take that path, drop out of school, break the rules, or "didn't fit in" with the rest of society and yet, they were successful and they ended up making the world a better place. Or they are trying to, in their own unique way.



I say, "Misfits of the world, Unite!" as John Carlton says at the end of his post. Stand up and be proud! And for the rest of you, I leave you with the wonderful words of Mr. Robert Frost:

The Road Not Taken

by

Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that, the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Choose your path. Make a difference.

Back to School--Not this year!

School started yesterday for most of the schools in this area, and for the first time ever, I didn't have to wake my son up and make him breakfast for the first day of school. Weird. Really weird.

To tell the truth, this has been a weird summer. Hotter than usual, drought, humidity that brings memories of the Everglades in Florida, and just the fact that Alex won't ever go to school again, unless he chooses to. I went to Wal-mart last week and ended up in the Back to School section and nearly broke down. Looking at the colors, the markers, the notebooks and folders, the pens and pencils, erasers, the backpacks...it was just overwhelming to think I wouldn't have to buy any of that stuff again for him.

It's also been a really hard week since he called his Navy recruiter to enlist. Reality hits again. My son will be leaving for who knows how long, and I will not be looking for him to drive up after work, or be sitting in front of the television or computer playing video games, or chilling out on the couch watching a movie. I still have that to go through, but I think I will be ok. Not great. Just ok.

I won't promise I won't cry. I will probably shed buckets of tears, and will be down in the dumps for a while, but I do have other things in my life to keep me going. I have the LOML (Love of my life) QH, who promises that if I get too worked up, he will take me fishing or flash shiny objects in front of me to distract me. I have my nephew, Cannon, who I am still babysitting during the day, who is also turning into a little ball of fire. And, my writing, which I couldn't give up even if I tried (I tried, but then I couldn't breathe, so I had to go back to it. Life or death, you know!). I can't disappoint my fans at Pro Drywall (Lori, Karen and Diane, **waving** hey, girls!), or Dan on 3rd shift who reads my articles in Zimmerman Today every other week. Also, those friends and family members who "don't get it", it drives them crazy that I would pursue a writing career because they don't think I can be successful at it. Those are the ones I love the most, because when someone says "You can't", I say, "Watch me!"

Truth is, I have plenty to keep me busy until my son comes home, for a visit or for good. I am in the process of editing my first novel for publication, and working on the sequel. It's a murder suspense thriller and the sequel is coming along nicely. I have also started my own writing business, Crawford Writing Services, Inc., and I will be doing a lot of promotion for that. I also have a great project I'm working on with Zimmerman Today, plus, a lot of articles I plan to shop around to magazines and other publications. Lots to do.

But I still want to go school shopping anyway! Just for old times sake!

Crawford Writing Services, Inc.

Yes, that's right! I have decided to make the leap into my own business. I'm tired of working for other people and feel that my writing skills are sufficient to go out on my own.

Don't worry, I have to keep my night job for now, but I am bound and determined to make this work and be successful.

I do have a lot of people to thank, the list is not in any particular order of importance, they are all #1 in my book.

Thanks to everyone who believes in me enough that I could ever have made it this far.

Q.H.(aka. Q-man),LOML-Love of my life,
Alex, my son,
Tom & Mavis, my parents,
Andy & Lisa, my brother and his wife,
Kelley & Travis, my sister and her husband,
Jim & Susi, my uncle & aunt, thanks for the big coffee mug!
Sandy Lender, author and fellow Duranie,
Dorothy Thompson, my FFG (fabulous fairy godmother),
PappaGale Sparks, artist, writer, redneck renaissance man,
Jamieson Wolf, writer and friend,
Steve Conklin, my editor at Zimmerman Today, my first paid writing job.

Also everyone in my Writers Life family, who are too numerous to mention. I have learned so much about myself, my writing, what works and what doesn't, and that sometimes you just have to go for it, no matter how scared you are.

I toast all of you and appreciate everything you have done for me.

My website for Crawford Writing Services, Inc. is now up. You can visit at www.crawfordwritingservices.blogspot.com

Here's to success!

Learning how to ride a bicycle

I'm not sure how old I was, but I know I couldn't have been much older than six or seven years old. The way my mother tells the story, she has never seen a child with more determination in all of her life, who came home dirty, bloody and thrilled with the fact she learned to ride a "big bike" with no training wheels.

It was summer and I didn't have a bicycle of my own, but my neighbor, Angela, who came from a large family, had an old blue bicycle that was just leaning up against the garage. It was the perfect size for me. I didn't have to bring it up to the steps so I could get on it and I knew that once I was on it, I could control it and not kill myself. So, I got this idea in my head that I was going to learn how to ride bicycle that day. Without training wheels.

So, I set about my task by going out into the middle of the street, down far enough that we were not visible by the picture windows of either of our houses. We would have been in BIG TROUBLE for playing out in the street, by both of our mothers. We kept to the side and tried to make sure that we wouldn't get "run over" by any cars.

Angela tried first, after all, it was her bicycle. She couldn't get the pedals going fast enough and fell. She didn't get hurt, but she got up and handed me the bicycle. She held onto the back of the seat to steady it as I got on and I tried to steer and over corrected and fell. I scraped my knee. Not bad, but it stung. This went on and on for hours. Angela finally gave up, she was tired of falling off, so she helped me in my quest for success. Finally, just before supper time, I did it! I pedaled. I steered. I even turned around, pedalling and steering and...I DIDN'T FALL OFF!! Of course, I nearly killed myself jumping off the bicycle to hug Angela and to celebrate my victory! But the fact of the matter is, I did what I set out to do. It hurt, it was painful, but I didn't give up, no matter what.

I thought my Mom was going to have a heart attack when she saw me, but I hurried up and told her I learned to ride a bicycle without training wheels and to come out and see. I demonstrated on the sidewalk out in front of our house.

I know she cried. She cried because I did it myself. She cried because I had to go through all of that pain and hurt to accomplish what I did. She also cried because it was one more small step away from me being her little girl and becoming a grown up. I know that because when my son learned how to ride his bicycle without training wheels, I cried for all of those reasons.

Why do I bring this up? I am 38 years old, and in a way, I am learning to ride a bicycle without training wheels all over again. My definition of myself is changing. I'm not just a woman, a daughter, a mother, a girlfriend, a sister, a human being, but now I am embarking on a new chapter in my life that will add business woman, entrepeneur, writer, copywriter, motivational speaker and I hope, teacher to my list of definitions.

I'm scared, like I was that day, but I am also determined to succeed. And I will be so proud of myself, pedalling down the road or the sidewalk...scabbed knees and all.

Welcome Sandy Lender to the Polebarn!!

As promised, I would like to extend a warm Minnesota welcome (and I mean WARM. The temp will be over 90 degrees today), to my friend and fellow author, Sandy Lender. Her debut novel, "Choices Meant for Gods" hit the bookstores this spring and she has been on a relentless promotional tour. I really appreciate her stopping by here to chat. Sandy, welcome!

Laura: What do you think has been more difficult, writing and publishing your book or the promotion and marketing?

Sandy Lender: Now that I've learned that no one cares who I am, I'm going to say the promotion and marketing is the most difficult part. And I mean that! There are some wonderful people (probably 50) who have purchased the book and read it and called to tell me that it rocks (I've heard other positive adverbs and adjectives, too), but, ummm, I'm not going to build a great audience with 50 sales. (I'm under-exaggerating; it's more than 50, but I'm trying to prove a point.)

Now, don't get me wrong, I never set myself up to believe I was going to make any money off this first novel. My publisher was very clear in the seminars he's given that new authors in small- to medium-sized houses just don't make money - certainly not the kind of money that lets you quit your day job and focus on the career you love. So I didn't go into this with any "delusions" that I know of. But, wow...I had hoped at least one radio station or magazine would care that a local artist had succeeded in the publishing game. Not so much. Having the people who have read the novel tell me that it's amazing and genre-breaking, etc. is a great ego boost, but that's not going to get me anywhere in life, and that's heartbreaking in the end. So I'm going to say writing is the easiest part of the equation. Getting published was next in line in terms of ease (and, by the way, that was NOT easy...took three years). Marketing and promotion is the part that will kill me.

Laura: Now that you have the book published, the first in a trilogy, do you feel the other two books will be easier or more difficult to write and publish?

Sandy Lender: Book II in the Choices Meant for Gods trilogy is complete. I'm editing now. There's a scene I have to include and I've been writing and rewriting it during traffic jams. Book III in the trilogy is almost complete, but I stopped when the Marketing and Promotion Nightmare began in full force in March. My publisher has already requested Book II and has intimated this is a long-term relationship, and I have no reason to doubt him. The arrangement is not akin to the cut-throat, bizarre situations you read about in some of the online chatgroups around the net. I'm quite surprised by some of the animosity I see authors feel toward their publishers and I'm thankful for the peace I have with mine. Very thankful. (very thankful)

Laura: You have been very open about your work schedule, your writing schedule, and the places you are going to promote your book on virtual blog tours, book signings, etc. When do you sleep? LOL!

Sandy Lender: Oh, my. Well...to be honest...I am getting a bit more sleep now than I was for a while there. I get about four hours of sleep a night. It can't be helped. I'm a new author that no one has ever heard of, so I must build a presence for myself. I must "brand." And then there's my personal life that has spiraled completely out of control thanks to the stellar choice I made in life partners 13 years ago. Like the Nazi at the end of the Indiana Jones movie...I chose poorly. So I have more than one job to try to make ends meet. (Did I mention that I won't make any money off the book?)

Laura: Writers by nature are very isolated souls, perfecting their craft out of the public eye. Do you find it more interesting to see readers in person at book signings or to participate in the virtual blog tours and promotion where you are not out in the public? Is there one way you prefer over the other?

Sandy Lender: Readers? What is this illusive creature you speak of?

Laura: What has been the most interesting thing or most interesting person you have met so far during your book tours?

Sandy Lender: Oh, man, I know who I want to meet, but I don't think he's paying attention...
The most interesting person...I'm drawing a blank, but that could be from lack of sleep. The most interesting thing...I had an online chat early on in the tour that about five people attended (if you include the host, who I think was studying for an exam or something, so he didn't really participate) but the people who attended and participated had this fantastic discussion. We covered everything from how childhood experiences affected our writing to great works of literature affecting our writing...I don't remember all of it because I never got the transcript, but I remember it being a really productive and intriguing conversation with folks, only one of whom I knew.

I'm going to have three more online chats before the end of the tour. One is this Thursday evening at http://www.cassidymckay.com/ at 8 eastern. I encourage people to participate because the conversation can get really good.

Laura: Your novel is an epic fantasy. I have read the Harry Potter series, but I felt your book was more adult and spellbinding. I read it in just a couple of days, and I got completely involved in the story and the characters. I know you had to do a lot of editing, but for the life of me, I cannot imagine what you cut that didn’t appear in the book. Is the material you cut out going to end up someplace in the second or third book? Or are you going to just keep it ‘just in case’ it inspires you to write something else?

Sandy Lender: I cut more than 70,000 words out of Choices Meant for Gods. A couple of scenes went into Book II but a majority of the material just got slashed. I'm ruthless with the delete key. If I decide I don't want something in...pow...I just yank it out and it's gone. There were a few scenes, though, that were breaking my heart to remove and those will be posted as deleted scenes on my website (as soon as I learn how to build a website in my sleep). I've already put some scenes - in the archives now - on my blog at http://www.todaythedragonwins.blogspot.com/, one of which almost got me maimed by a reader who wanted more. So, ah, I think I'll be posting more (in my sleep).

I'm not concerned about the missing material inspiring me, though. Everything around me inspires me.

Laura: When you first held your book in your hands, was it surreal for you? Do you think you will have that same feeling once you publish the other books in the trilogy?

Sandy Lender: I don't know how to describe the way I felt (which is mind-boggling, considering I wrote a 250,000-word novel, eh?). I knew the books would be waiting for me on my front porch when I got home from work one evening, so I was watching for them as I backed into the driveway, practically driving off into the yard. But once I got the box open and had MY book in my hands, I just sat down and stared at it, amazed that it was real at last. I mean, Choices Meant for Gods took three years to find a home and another 18 months after contract to get to this final, hardback stage. I cried like an idiot for a few minutes, and then dried my eyes and started reading. I found a huge typo on page 13 and let out one of those gurgling sounds like you're on your death bed. I've been an editor for 15 years...you'd think I could have caught that BEFORE we went to press. But we can fix it before the second printing.

Laura: What is next for Sandy Lender?

Sandy Lender: Ugh. Well, I'm marketing and promoting...

Seriously, I have a conference I'm speaking at this fall called Context 20 out in Ohio. Some of all ya'll may be attending... Then there's DragonCon. And I have several books rattling about my head that I need to write. I have six blogs. I'm finishing this online book tour. I want to set Nigel Taiman up on a tour (not even half as long as this one I'm doing, though). So I have plenty of the writing career to keep me busy!

Laura: I have kept a journal since my Aunt Peg in the 4th Grade gave me a diary for Christmas. It has helped me through a lot of tough times in my life. Do you keep a journal and do you find any kind of writing as therapeutic?

Sandy Lender: I do not keep a journal for fear of it falling into enemy hands.

Laura: Do you have any plans to stop in Minnesota or any states close by, during your book tour? What is your next stop?

Sandy Lender: If Duran Duran has a concert near there, I'm all over it, Baby.

Sandy, Thanks for stopping by the Polebarn!

Sandy Lender: Thanks for hosting me today, Laura. I hope my answers don't feel too negative. I'm overtired from a long weekend of marketing and promotion so that topic has me on edge! Tell all your visitors that the writing is the fun part. Stick with the fun part as long as you caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.

Thanks so much Sandy! If you would like to learn more about Sandy Lender, go to http://www.todaythedragonwins.blogspot.com/ or to obtain a copy of "Choices Meant for Gods" go to http://www.amazon.com/ or http://www.archebooks.com/. And feel free to leave a comment! I love hearing from my readers!

Mrs. Fliginger wrote back!!!

I could not believe my eyes when I saw the email in my Inbox. I clicked on it and started to cry. It was her!! She wrote me back!! Suddenly, the years have seemed to melt away and I can still remember her strawberry-blonde hair, her glasses, her voice. Wow! Talk about a time warp! But I am glad that I was able to contact her and let her know how she helped me through the most difficult time of my life.

I guess the real reason I chose to seek her out now is that my son is graduating from high school in June and seeing him go through all of the things as a senior compare in contrast to what I was going through at his age, and THANK GOD!! He doesn't have any of that to deal with!!

I have received a few emails since she first replied back and I have replied to her. It still feels funny to call her by her first name, it seems disrespectful to me, even though I am no longer a student! Does that make any sense at all? Anyway, she stopped over for a visit to the Polebarn here and said I "write well." Again, with the crying. She was a tough teacher. I was a writer with an "attitude." I had been told by all of my former English teachers that I was an excellent writer and I would do great and wonderful things, and blah, blah, blah. I have to confess, I used that to get some special favors for grades and other things, and they let me slide by with a lot of stuff! Not Mrs. Fliginger. She basically looked me in the eye and said, "You think you're a writer? Prove it!" I had to work my tail off and she didn't let me slide with anything. My point? I got knocked off my pedestal, and I became a better person, AND a better writer!

Sometimes the greatest lessons come from the toughest teachers!

Mrs. Fliginger, I thank you.

I recently decided it was time I contacted my old English and Speech teacher, Mrs. Fliginger. I had to find her first, but thanks to the marvels of modern technology, I found her via the Internet and a Google search led me to Harvey, North Dakota. Ironically, her husband is named Harvey. I haven't seen her since I was a senior at Garrison High School, in Garrison, North Dakota, where I had a different name (Michelle, my middle name), and a very different life. She had an impact on me and did something nobody else was able to do at that time in my life. She came back from maternity leave, after having her daughter, Diana, and noticed that I was not myself. That was an understatement. I was messed up.

At that time in my life, my parents were separated, heading for what I knew would be a long and drawn out divorce. The scandal was all over the small town and to make matters worse, it was being played out as I sat in English class everyday at the house across the street. SHE lived over there. The person my father was having an affair with, and I could see his pickup truck sitting in the driveway, then leaving. The truth had come out in February, and sometime that spring, Mrs. Fliginger had come back and saw me in my miserable state. She kept me back after class. She asked me, "What's up with you?" I tearfully related the horrible events that had transpired in her absence and she listened and then asked me if it would be ok to refer me to the school counselor. I nodded. I couldn't keep this to myself any more. I was planning on suicide. I had the whole thing worked out, it just seemed like the more I wanted to do it, and the times I actually was going to do it, something would come up and I couldn't ever get it done. I was severely depressed. I did anything and everything to stay away from home. I signed up for paper staff as editor, and I sucked at it, but it kept me from going home. I was in Band, like I had been all through school, and I signed up for Speech Team, and I sucked at that too, but hey, it beat going home! I was also working at the local hospital, but there was no relief there either, because SHE worked there and was down in the break room each day to stare me down, daring me to say something, before I would go to wash dishes in the kitchen. I just ignored her as best as I could, but I would often break down in tears on my breaks.

Anyway, I ended up going to the counselor, relating the whole horrible nightmare that was my life at that time. I also had my friends, my best friend at that time was Carol, and without her to keep my mind off of what was happening, I would have ended up in a rubber room or worse, a coffin, if I wouldn't have gotten the help I needed.

I survived, and later the thoughts of suicide went out the door, and I moved around a bit before I ended up in my current home, "The Polebarn", and I don't regret a single thing I went through. Why??? My parents would not have reconciled, my father would not have sobered up, and my family would not have become as strong as it is now. I know for certain, I would not be the person I am today, doing the things I have always wanted to do, and living this glorious life I have always wanted to live. My son would not be here, my current BF (the love of my life 12 years and counting) would not be in my life, and I would not be excited about graduating to the next phase of my life, as a mother, a writer, an artist, a human being. I have found my bliss, now I just need to make some money at it!

But first, I had to thank you, Mrs. Fliginger, from saving me from myself.